


Lullaby

by casstayinmyass



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Body Dysphoria, Canon Disabled Character, Canon Related, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Happy Ending, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Timestamp Ending, Trans Newton Geiszler, Triggers, Worried Hermann
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:30:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6617941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newt has a breakdown. Hermann finds him afterward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on a song about suicide by Nickleback that helped me a lot.  
> Please be aware that this ficlet is full of triggers- please read the tags, as I do not wish to upset anyone.

_So just give it one more try to a lullaby_  
_And turn this up on the radio_  
_If you can hear me now_  
_I'm reaching out_  
_To let you know that you're not alone_  
_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell_  
_'Cause I can't get you on the telephone_  
_So just close your eyes_  
_Oh, honey here comes a lullaby_  
_Your very own lullaby_

-0-0-0-

A billion thoughts were racing through Newt's mind- but then, hey, when weren't they? Pictures from drifts, old failed equations, insecurities from the past, body shame and the horrible scars from his transition, anxiety... all of it overtook him. He could only focus on one constant: a clear out. 

A way for all of this to stop, to just... shut off. Shut down. For good! 

No more waking up every morning, facing every little thing like it was a challenge. It was becoming so crippling that going about one day in the life of Newton Geiszler was like fighting a Jaeger battle. And to top it all off? He was in love with his partner. His _lab_ partner, who scowled at his very presence, who never said good morning back, who never indulged in his little rants about Kaiju history, who never stopped to _appreciate_ him. 

_It was too much._

_He needed it to stop._

_He needed to stop it._

Tears formed in Newt's racing eyes as he fumbled for a power chord. Surely, if he broke through this... attached it to a drift helmet, he could do it. It would be quick- not completely painless, but... quick. Better than a scalpel to the wrists, probably. Less to clean up, less of a scene. He made sure to use the chords on his side of the lab... one last little sentiment to Hermann, not leaving his dead body on Hermann's side. How nice of him.

Newt felt a pang of regret. He wished he would have said something sooner to his partner... but he couldn't face that kind of rejection. Not when his entire life, he had faced nothing but rejection. Of course, the one thing he had actually been recognized for was his work, not for him as a person. His transition, also, had gone well, he had been accepted by his family... but they had left him when the war broke out. He had no idea where they were now... nobody did. 

But what should he have expected? He's a burden to others. He's loud, obnoxious, irritatingly belligerent... he'll never be handsome, not in his dreams. Who would want to willingly spend time with him and his entrails and his ramblings?

 _Definitely_ _not Hermann._

Newt scribbled a couple of words across a pad left on the table as a few last thoughts, and plugged the chords into the helmet with nimble fingers, fastening it on. Maybe he was being dramatic about all of this. Maybe it was better this way, just to get it over with. With a bittersweet smile and his finger on the button, Newt thought of what it would be like for Hermann to kiss across the ugly scars across his chest, the scars he had tried to cover with thick tattoos. For Hermann to feel who he was, feel who he _is_ , and just love him for it. He just wanted Hermann to kiss him. 

With a sharp sting and a loud fizzle, the chords shot electricity into Newt's brain, and the doctor fell to the ground. 

"Newton!!"

Dr. Gottlieb's frown disappeared promptly as he limped as fast as he could over to his partner. Dropping his cane with utter disregard, he crawled over to the fallen Newt, and supported his neck in his lap. 

"Newton Geiszler, answer me," Hermann gritted out, "Have you done another one of your idiotic experiments?!"

When Newt didn't answer, Hermann's brow creased, and he slapped Newt's cheek lightly. 

"Newton, wake up at once. _Newton!_ " 

Hermann's voice got desperate as blood began to drip slowly from Newt's nose, and he swallowed. 

"Don't do this to me... Newton, please, don't..." A tear rolled down Hermann's cheek, which he quickly wiped away with his tweed sleeve. Hermann did not cry. Never did he cry over anything, even many nights wasted on countlessly failed theories. But... 

Standing shakily in search of tissues to clean the blood and supporting himself on the lab table, the doctor saw the writing on the paper.

_Hey man,_

_There really isn't enough room on here to apologize for what I've done, so..._

_Sorry. For... everything._

_Love ya, Herms._

_-Newt_

"Newton," Hermann hissed, dropping back down to his knees with his voice trembling with great effort not to break down, "What have you done?"

Bringing his face level with the other man's, his bottom lip quivered, and he looked at the face of the one he'd admired since the day they first wrote to each other. The man he was envious of, the man he was proud of, the man he loved with all of his cold, stony heart. He cradled Newt's head, rocking him back and forth, and whispered softly and with more honesty than he'd ever mustered, "If you've left me, I... I don't know what I'll do. I simply don't."

Newt's eyes were closed, long eyelashes hidden by his glasses. Hermann couldn't help it this time. He let another tear fall; then another, then another as he held the man. He also couldn't help kissing him. First on the forehead, then on the cheek, then down his neck. Everything he should have done years ago. Stupid. That's what Hermann was. He was one of the most brilliant minds behind the resistance of this war, but in that moment, he felt like the biggest moron that ever walked the earth. 

"I love you," he mumbled out quietly, biting his tongue so hard it bled to feel if _he_ was still alive and experiencing this, even. 

"You really mean that, Herms?" Newton choked, and Hermann's heartbeat began to race. Newt's left eye opened, and the right, which was bruised all around, opened to reveal a severe subconjunctival hemorrhage. 

"Newton?! Dear god, Dr. Geiszler, you're-!" _The shock must not have been fatal. It must not have reached the nerve endings._

Hermann's unbelievably ecstatic expression immediately changed to one of pure rage, and he wrapped his hands around Newt's neck, though without squeezing. 

"I could... I could-!" he cried, clenching his jaw angrily and seething at the smaller man. _He could throttle him! He could scream at him! He could slap him! How careless! How selfish! How stupid!_

"You could what?" Newt managed weakly, coughing a little. 

"I could... kiss you," Hermann whispered, and did so on the lips, elevating Newt so high he thought he'd never come down.

-0-0-0-

Five years later, Newt held their newborn girl they had adopted- a refugee that had been found in post-war scavenges. The world was saved, because of them and the pilot heroes. The world, while needing rebuilding, was safe, and those left were at peace. Newt's eye had never recovered from the attempt, but the glasses basically hid the hemorrhage, even though Hermann insisted he was still the most handsome man he had ever seen even with it.

"How is she?" Hermann smiled, clutching onto his cane as he made his way over to the crib behind Newton. 

"She's a perfect little bean," Newton whispered, tickling her stomach. Surrounding the pillow in the crib were Kaiju stuffies, with Kaiju bedsheets and a sea-monster mobil, simply because they couldn't find one with specifically Kaijus on it. 

"Mmm... just as you are," Hermann muttered, pressing a tender kiss to Newt's ear. Newt chuckled, laid the baby down, and turned around. 

"Frisky, Herms?" Newt asked, thinking in sweet detail about the last time Hermann and he had some alone time. How good Hermann's mouth felt on his body, worshipping it, taking his time to take Newt apart and reminding him how special he was with every touch. 

"No, just... very much in love," Hermann nodded with a small smirk, and Newt suddenly hugged Hermann tightly. 

"Thank you," Newt whispered into his shoulder, and Hermann knew what he meant. 

"Always, my dear," Hermann replied, giving Newt an affectionate tap on the knee with his cane, and the two kissed. 


End file.
